Archive for February 17th, 2011

February 17th, 2011

THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN

A flowered typewriter writing a note to Mother Nature about menstruation. It also includes the word “damned.” This kind of beats the moon landing.

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February 17th, 2011

Great Expectations

This is so funny and offensive on so many levels, I keep laughing and then putting my hand over my mouth.

What do you think is the ideal length of an erect penis?

OMG there are so many gems.

I mean, they only polled 145 people, and they were UCLA students at that but ORAL SEX WITH BARNEY.

February 17th, 2011

Oh, Oh, Tomoko

Surely the cat could shoulder some of his burden.

Theodore Ross has been writing a series about the indignities of losing his job as a wealthy, educated white male for the Times. It’s hard for him, you guys. Last week he talked about the “surreality” of getting emails from his former coworkers! That’s really weird!! But today he talked about one aspect of his life that’s going great! His superlady wife-in-waiting, Tomoko:

“Tomoko and I met and fell in love nearly two years ago, as I was going through a protracted divorce. A beautiful, caring and patient woman, she endured my rants on custody law and the indignities of court appearances, taught me yoga, took me surfing. She endured the dispersal of the better part of my income to the divorce lawyer, and accepted that my son’s mother would always remain a fixture in our lives. We took an apartment together as our relationship deepened. She grew close to my boy, became pregnant with our child, and we considered our options for the future. Discussions regarding marriage occurred, predicated, of course, on the completion of my divorce. (It was a source of much joking at Harper’s — another thing I’ll truly miss — that my second child came before my first divorce.)”

Tomoko is a paragon of a woman indeed. Yoga teacher, surf coach, rant-listener, child bearer, joke subject, and, as this week’s column explains,  she’s willing to marry him because he needs insurance! Oh, she got a little testy when he announced the marriage instead of asking her, but after she was allowed to attend yoga class, “her first and much-deserved opportunity in months to be away from the baby”–the three-month-old baby–she got over it. Oh, also, do you know how Tomoko indicated her displeasure? She “frowned beatifically.” I mean, she is always looking good!

Other things Tomoko does that are awesome, from Ross’s entries on the Dadwagon blog:

Kicks him out of the house and tells him to go to work because he is so shitty at helping take care of their baby, even though it’s his second child. He responds by going to his office and whining about how he doesn’t get paternity leave because he is freelance.

Wakes him up in the middle of the night when it’s his turn to feed the baby, because he will sleep through it otherwise. He responds to this by writing about how men are better at taking care of babies than women, because women will give up sleep to feed their babies and men won’t. Women are so dumb! And they should get more sleep. If only mothers of babies had someone around to help them….

But Tomoko is far from perfect:

She should be helping the older child to read: Ted thinks that his son is probably ready to learn to read, but he, Ted, doesn’t have the time or patience to do it.

Also, Tomoko, please give Ted his messages! He complained that his mother didn’t bother to call him on his birthday, until she responded in the comments:

liar pants on fire i called twice –you did not answer — i texted twice –you did not answer . then i left a message with your wife to say i wished you a happy. you just needed to write a pithy , semihumorous , semi selfpitying mmonologe . next time –mom says answer your phone when i call

Now I’m worried about Tomoko’s impending return to her job. I mean, yeah, she is the breadwinner, and the person who does most of the child care, but if she can’t even get Ted his messages, will this marriage last?