Archive for October 21st, 2012

October 21st, 2012

mmmightymightypeople: salt-water-chardonnay: mmmightymightypeople: all the people who are…




all the people who are “conflicted” about Mr.’s “memoir” writing style exposing so much deeply intimate shit about his ex wives—you need sit down.

the basic argument is—

it’s ok to expose so much intimate shit because it’s *memoir*—he’s following a genre style!

oh, that makes sense, but is it ok for him to do this? he’s a man and he’s revealing so much information about a woman!

well, that’s what you do when you write memoir! you draw on your life, and you’re actually *being brave* when you expose shit!

i’m so conflicted! i don’t like him exposing shit like this about women, but it’s a genre of writing and he has to be true to his craft!

all this came up over mr.’s recent article where he talks in graphic detail about pulling a tampon out of his soon to be ex’s body and getting a hard on over it.

my first question. who came up with the idea that mr. was a “memoirist” any way? was it all the pearl clutching feminists who don’t know which comes first, women’s lives or a man’s right to use a certain writing style?

or, even worst, was it mr. himself?

is this ok? is this ok that a man gets to redirect a conversation around abuse to a discussion on genre conventions? and true artists staying true to their art form?

do we really *care* about mr. maintaining his authorial credibility?

and has there really been NO feminist critique of the use of various types of art by men to falsely, incorrectly and even violently represent women?

is it REALLY up for debate again—whether or not women’s lives are more important than a man’s need to write? and is it REALLY up for debate based on a man *telling* us that it is?

also. was there a POINT to the tampon story? outside of mr. getting really sad cuz he’ll never see his wife naked again?

is that insight legitimately WORTH the price of a woman’s loss of privacy?

one of the most disturbing horrific stories i ever read was (massive content warning) about a boy who was masturbating with one of those pool drain and winds up sucking his intestines out of his body.

this story has graphic detail. graphic. disgustingly graphic. horrifically graphic. your eyes skim over places because you want so desperatly to look away. but you go back and reread. because this is a story where the insight the story leaves you with is *worth the price paid*—because it is a story being told using *craft*.

as an example—when the body details the contents of his intestines, it harkens back to the story The Things They Carried, by Timothy Obrien. But it doesn’t just harken back, it also recontextualizes and complexifies how we understand boys and masculinity and “going to war”—

in other words, there is a *POINT* to the intensely graphic storytelling. the intensely grahic descriptions and use of detail helps a reader to understand not just the narrator, but the *human condition*.

i ask again, what is the point of mr.’s story?

what was the point outside of xo getting a massive uptick in hits?

mr. is NOT an artist and he doesn’t have a *craft*.

he is a blogger who uses shock and outrage to stay relevant. and *F*eminists are willing to buy that shock and outrage he offers even if the price paid is a woman’s privacy.

there used to be a *F*eminist critique of shock jock radio djs who used women to get attention—is there a *F*eminist critique of shock jock bloggers? or is the power of the click to mighty for *F*eminists to turn away from?

^^From what I’ve observed, a lot of the women talking about being conflicted also profess to practice memoir in their own right and to think that criticizing Huge Ego for violating his ex-wife’s privacy means necessarily that they then cannot discuss intimate details in their own writing. It is this hideous hybrid born of reading too many how-to-write tracts and too much feminist fluff that doesn’t bother with analyses of power.

That said, I think the point of his story was that he got turned on by her humiliation. I know he explained it away in the text as basically reflex-like, but this is the subtext—and I suspect that it is a deliberate subtext put there because he *could* put it there. It’s a kind of boasting. Look what he can get away with it and still be adored.

It’s exactly what the worst of my exes (now dead—I’d dance on his grave if I knew where to find it) would have done.

That’s the thing about abusers: they’re not special. Not one bit. Not at all.

i agree TOTALLY. i’m not going to go into detail, cuz i know there are people who are deliberately not reading it, but there are sections—where i’m like, the sad, soft spoken, quietly humiliated woman and mr.’s hard on just appear in too many fucking stories of his for this NOT to be like you said—a kind of boasting. and a kind of boasting is NOT anything that I feel needs protecting or understanding.

Bolded for emphasis

October 21st, 2012

"In the old days they had signs that said “Whites Only.” Now they have a thing called…"

“In the old days they had signs that said “Whites Only.” Now they have a thing called prices. —Chris Rock.”
October 21st, 2012

How many hotels can claim that Keanu Reeves, Joan Jett, Vincent Gallo and Little Richard have…

How many hotels can claim that Keanu Reeves, Joan Jett, Vincent Gallo and Little Richard have graced their mattresses (no, silly, not all at the same time!)? How many hotels are the crash pad and launching pad for world-renowned bands like the Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Psychedelic Furs and Pearl Jam; and up-and-comers like The Killers, Bloc Party and The Shins?

With so much creative energy swirling around you never know who might be strumming a guitar, posing for a photo shoot or just kicking back by the pool. The [redacted] is a landmark, celebrating over two decades of being [redacted]’s world-renowned “rock ‘n roll hotel.” Funky, irreverent, and young-at-heart, The [redacted] isn’t for everyone. It’s at the edge of the gritty [redacted] neighborhood. Its central courtyard is a true crossroads for the creative - a good place to check out visiting artists and entertainers, and a bit noisy at times. Even so, [redacted] has some of the most loyal guests in the world.

This is my hotel kill me.

October 21st, 2012

accountability as another word for what


after diss prop on wednesday aliza was going to forgo the usual drink, but when i said i had three hours before dinner with marc and his dad she stayed with me the whole time. 

during the glass and a half of wine each i told her that i felt like i needed to discuss the issue of accountability, since it has come up so often lately on tumblr. i hate the word, and i take issue with the concept, but then i wonder if it isn’t just what i’ve been doing all along

we parsed accountability and accounting and accounts and disciplinarity and trolling and calling people out and mean speech on the web for awhile. i said that one of the best things i had seen on tumblr recently reads “this is my rapist,” links to a picture, and adds “just wanted to make this post because i can.” 

because i can” is important. 

i think this is an ongoing discussion. at the end of this part, aliza pointed me in the right direction and said “babbo is just at the end of the park.” later marc asked why i didn’t have more to drink before or during dinner, since i am charming when a little bit drunk, but i figured on this occasion the wine plus the martini was enough. 

All of this. And holding people accountable for things they don’t know about, how are we going to deal with that?

Last night I went to Christen Clifford’s show. It’s super eerie and just hitting me today. She plays the tape of her gang rape during a party and charms the audience, seduces you really, into letting it be background noise as she hands out beer and candy, talks, tells jokes, strips naked, whispers in various people’s ears (she whispered in mine, “Have you ever done anything because you were part of a group that you were ashamed of later?” I told her, “Yes.”), and smears her body with mud and ketchup. During this interlude she had an audience member read from the “cease and desist” letter Karen Finley sent her, which I was lucky enough to have read just before the show and which is a brilliant example of feminist bitchiness. The tape continues to play.

Clifford then invited audience members to come up and cut her hair off, all of it, and pulled a scroll out of her vagina and read from it. The references are obvious but it felt OK to me—a nod to previous gestures, why fucking not, Karen Finley? (Clifford did have an ominous yam sitting on a table that made me keep laughing). The piece ended with a Kusama-esque dance party and was all in all really fun. Which is why I feel so gross now. I think it completes the piece, and I am pretty grateful for the experience. (I realize how ahhhty and 101 this sounds but it’s feeling right to write it.)

Jasmine and I have had an ongoing discussion about bystander syndrome in terms of white privilege and it should play a role in the conversations Kara is alluding to. I’ve also been thinking about transformative justice lately, which machamechamama has taught about—a survivor-centered way for communities to handle sexual assault. Part of that means listening to the survivor’s anger at her community, which isn’t always as orchestrated and articulate as Christen’s or Aria’s. How do we deal with survivors who are also abusers?  How can we make spaces for WOC and other communities where they can get justice and other forms of closure, ala “because I can?” How can we get out of their way?

ETA Christen also had a bottle of Shalimar and menstrual blood she was offering to spray on people, which Kevin was extremely horrified by.

October 21st, 2012

i’m jealous of people who have cute laughs and fast metabolisms and nice teeth and good hair and…

i’m jealous of people who have cute laughs and fast metabolisms and nice teeth and good hair and can just make any outfit look good and  get along with everyone and are great at sports and do well in school bc none of that is me

It’s hard not to be.

October 21st, 2012

sockittoemjt: Crimpshrine – Summertime nk


Crimpshrine - Summertime


October 21st, 2012

Literally the only straight men I know.

not me: So are you winking at anyone these days?
me: I'm winking at someone, he's kind of winking back, we'll see
not me: What's the name of his band?
me: He used to be in a band.
me: In the 90s.
October 21st, 2012

I think I would want one a little less cartoony, or maybe not,…

I think I would want one a little less cartoony, or maybe not, this might actually be perfect. (available here)

October 21st, 2012

Abuse and honesty


This is a post about men who abuse and honesty.

There seems to be this presumption that transparency is the ultimate way to know someone, to know how they will treat you, to protect the self. I think I’ve mentioned this before.

And it makes sense right? If transparency = honesty = someone who talks more about themselves and their lives = being upfront with their intentions and motivations then…you, the individual is the sole person who can be responsible for what type of relationship you want to enter into with someone or whether you want to know them. It’s up to you—usually women—to know what you will and won’t put up with and to know yourself.

Never mind, that we can’t know everything about ourselves.

I reckon that this presumption is not only bullshit but harms women of colour, other women and people of colour broadly.

—The thing is though, lots of abusers are very honest about who they are and their actual abusiveness. And they tell their partners or lovers, yo this is what’s up with me. I either was like this and I hope I don’t relapse or I am actually like this and I can’t be bothered to change or I’m trying to manage shit somehow. I am talking about abusive ways of being—not little things that may annoy you about someone.

So what happens when you meet an abusive person and you don’t have much life experience and know some of what is up but you may be lonely or whatever or you may love them or feel sorry for them and enjoy a few good moments with them and try to overlook the bad stuff because you can ‘save them’/hope they change. 

Like in my own experience with abuse, the biggest headfuck is how irreconcilable and paradoxical aspects of the experience can be. Like I recognise I had some agency but ALSO not much at all being inexperienced and young (and of course this can happen at all ages) and having fuckers gaslight and define my reality in the most horrendous ways. So its like you have two parts of you battling it out. The rational side which is like, yo I gotta end this shit—because what the fuck is happening to me and the irrational side which is his gaslighting, his trying to define my reality. Or if you’re really deep in the shit—like I have been, it takes other people to firmly ground you in some semblance of reality. These people care and want you to be happy and not chasing your own tail with dickwads. 

Because that’s what it about. You can’t see a future with anyone else. You’re in this fucked up bubble.

And it can be worse sometimes for women of colour whose womanhood is often absent from broader society. It’s like if you are in an abusive relationship and lose big parts of yourself…and you know that racism contributes to the abuse, part of reconfiguring yourself may be through culture, race stuff, a woc feminism etc. And some of those things may be accessible, but little of those things structure societies in ways or even feminist orgs. that affirm woc and our experiences and identities. I feel like that with Blackness and womanhood anyway.

—But the people who can ride the coattails of white supremacy and misogyny INSIST that because they are honest then everything will be OK.

I think a good example is that xojane interview with Hugo Schwyzer. He lied in places but he is also incredibly honest and twists the act of honesty into a form of manipulation. Him and other abusers are honest about their abuse completely for themselves so that ultimately they do not have to take responsibility of how they hurt the woman. It’s the woman’s choice after all. I mean Schwyzer called his three ex-wives co-dependent. You mean all three of them? And I hate co-dependency BUT like when men call girlfriends needy etc. sometimes it’s just about us wanting to be loved and cared for—but while it may be objectively unattainable to get that from an abuser, the act of WOMEN wanting to be loved is condemned as well. But white, good-looking male abusers can expect some form of contrition from or acceptance because of his honesty. An honesty about fucking over women and girls. (Not just talking about Schwyzer here.)

The western idea of transparency is just so fucking overrated.

We blame victims of abusers for not making the right choices. It is absolutely incumbent on women to be able to support ourselves financially, emotionally and know everything about themselves. But if men have been abusive and he knows himself and admits to it, he is looked upon as a saint or at least someone who can make amends.

We blame children and other young victims of abusers and use the word naive in a pejorative way. When really it’s OK to like not know everything about the world, it’s OK to want some attention, it’s OK to think you can trust an adult, it’s never a young person’s fault if they were manipulated into behaving in a particular way that wasn’t healthy for them. 

I don’t care how honest abusers are about the patterns of abuse. Particular constructions of honesty, using psychological language to prioritise their needs and blaming women, girls and boy children for not being psychics and being able to escape, resist manipulation or having perfect knowledge of abusive behaviour and themselves are what should be eradicated. 

everything, everything here about how narcissists manipulate “honesty” and our dear leo coming back to tumblr xo

October 21st, 2012

THE UNTITLED MAG WANTS YOU: things that will not smash the patriarchy

THE UNTITLED MAG WANTS YOU: things that will not smash the patriarchy:


  • listening to riot grrrl music
  • not shaving your legs and/or armpits (additionally, submitting your armpits to hairypitsclub)
  • shaving your legs and/or armpits because YOU WANT TO DAMMIT
  • “reclaiming” traditionally feminine clothing, shoes, makeup, or behaviors because YOU…

 • awareness campaigns

• professional panelists

• “enthusiastic consent”

Maybe I should revive this. Would people contribute?