emilysyrja: Today I took yr advice and wore black…



emilysyrja:

Today I took yr advice and wore black lipstick.

Given that I have porcelain skin—well, I say I have porcelain skin, but I should probably say that I am the embodiment of the pasty nightmare vision suffered by countless East Lansing ladybros each time they scurry into a tanning salon, hoping to avoid my sad fate—and that I am about 30 pounds overweight, when I put on black lipstick, I instantly transform into a Chubby Goth Girl. As an aspiring comedian, this delights me; Chubby Goth Girls are inherently funny. Really! Even the most mundane, innocuous things become hilarious when a Chubby Goth Girl does them. (It constantly surprises me that there aren’t more network sitcoms about Chubby Goth Girls, but maybe that’s why I’m a perblogger and not a successful television writer. Anyway.)

TO WIT, here are just a few things I did today that ordinarily might not have been particularly funny, but were transmogrified into pure comedy gold by a swipe of dollar-store lipstick. Picture, if you will:

  • A Chubby Goth Girl scarfing Jimmy John’s on a park bench.
  • A Chubby Goth Girl needing to reapply her black lipstick after scarfing Jimmy John’s on a park bench.
  • A Chubby Goth Girl waiting for a bus, then approaching the bus when it arrives, then being blatantly ignored by said bus—which proceeds to guiltlessly zoom by after picking up the passenger in line before her (said passenger was, of course, not a Chubby Goth Girl).
  • A Chubby Goth Girl rushing to pick up her long-since-trashed bike before it is impounded by police, then pushing the thing—a groaning, rusted-out bubblegum pink Schwinn—halfway across campus to the bike shop to ask if it is worth fixing (and then being told that it is not worth fixing).

If you envisioned one or more of those scenarios and did not at least chuckle, you are probably a Chubby Goth Girl yourself. Or at least one of the more condescendingly empathetic East Lansing ladybros.

How does Bad Bangs Rockabilly Girl factor into this?

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