Abusers are really good at finding people who have already been groomed to view abuse as ‘normal’. So please don’t wonder how someone could have been abused more than once and say shit like abuse survivors should know better.
It’s not unheard of for survivors to go from abusive relationship to abusive relationship. Abuse has been so normalized for so many people that there is this deep rooted suspicion that all relationships are abusive. That everyone is faking it just like you’re faking it. That no one actually has non-toxic relationships. And that’s a type of coping mechanism right there, isn’t it?
Then there’s also the fact that survivors have complicated feelings towards their abusers. Sometimes we love our abusers. Sometimes we are dependent on our abusers and feel indebted. Sometimes we know it is abuse but we don’t know if anyone will take our side and help us. People would rather turn away then help us. Sometimes people would rather help cover up the abuse because it’s less messy.
Sometimes these messy feelings keep us from realizing we’re being abused, even if we know the cycle of abuse, even if we’ve tried to help friends in messy relationships. It can’t be abuse, we’re in love. It can’t be abuse, he takes care of us. It can’t be abuse because I can’t see myself as someone being abused. Etc, etc, etc.
October 30th, 2012
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