Posts tagged ‘phoenixes’

June 30th, 2012

All week it’s been as if a giant lever was dislodging some…

All week it’s been as if a giant lever was dislodging some of the last remaining solidities in my life. Lady Icarus made another run for the sun; my mental and physical health, both precarious, but previously parallel, show signs of intersecting in dangerous ways; a beloved community of more than 20 years is dying; even Paul Schimmel’s firing and Paula Harper’s death feel like part of a storm surge that will carry me even further away from any kind of peace or stability I’ve scrabbled together. Sometimes the difference between drowning and swimming is negligible. Either way everything changes, again.

June 15th, 2012

fuckdudeskilldudes: CAT MARNELL GPOY I’ll just put it out…



I’ll just put it out there. I am fucked up. I have been fucking up. They don’t trust me. I have two months of amazing, then I have two months of terrible. I get sober, off pills, then I get depressed because I don’t feel hot and I can’t feel good about myself.

Why did you first go on Adderall?
My dad just sent me the bottles. He thought I was flunking out of school, so that’s what he did. I didn’t tell anyone about it and just took them. It made me who I am now. I was a little more talkative than other people. I could write a bit better. I was a little skinnier and crazy-eyed. I got more attention than other people. It’s like the same term they use to describe narcissistic people, which is “conspicuous existence” and it’s the same thing on speed. You have a conspicuous existence. I have never not been on speed since. If anything, that’s what you are addicted to: you become a little more special than other people. I’ve always been an enhanced version of a human being. Of myself. I’m addicted to that. When I went off of it, you know what happened? I became normal. I looked normal. My ideas were normal.

I always found your battle with thinness something I love in your writing. It’s so real and it makes me feel better about my own battles with it and the knowing side of me that says I shouldn’t obsess over this stuff.
Listen, fat acceptance is not something I am interested in. I understand it’s important for some people but not for me. It’s not an option for me. Yet I wouldn’t have written that juice cleanse thing without the huge backstory, it wasn’t fair.

What do you mean?
I got the zillion-dollar Ritual Cleanse for free. I’m a thin person, naturally. I did not participate in the XOJane real girl belly project. I have never been remotely interested in looking like or being in any way a real girl. I don’t like the real girl thing. I believe in idealization for publications. People want to see aspirational images, read about aspirational lives. I don’t care about acceptance. I don’t want to project anything real. I want people to look at my beauty section and want to look like me, to buy the things I like. I want them to want to smell like me even though they can’t smell me through the computer. That’s the point. It’s beauty, babe! But always remember—I’m a total sicko.