Posts tagged ‘shedding assholes’

June 14th, 2013

Just champs and blood and witches tonight.

June 9th, 2013

Me: (drawing on my leg) So the belly would go over that part of the scar and his tail would curl…

Me: (drawing on my leg) So the belly would go over that part of the scar and his tail would curl around that part and his head would be over here….

Not me:
So cool! Can I go with you?

Well I can’t do it for like a year until it’s really healed.

Not me:
That’s fine, I will be around.

June 8th, 2013

"People will show you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to…"

“People will show you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be.”

- Don Draper  (via lookitissasha)
May 14th, 2013

"You’re exploring what feels good and avoiding what feels bad and figuring it out as you go. That’s all any of us can do."

Just said this in email to a friend but it’s true of everyone/a lot of my friends right now, we’ve all shed a lot of assholes (™Kara Jesella), and are confronting things and seeing them for what they are and dismissing so much stuff that used to seem important. I feel like 2013 is so much about things coming full circle, about consequences in the best possible way.

January 14th, 2013

"Leaving is not enough. You must stay gone. Train your heart like a dog. Change the locks even on the…"

“Leaving is not enough. You must stay gone. Train your heart like a dog. Change the locks even on the house he’s never visited. You lucky, lucky girl. You have an apartment just your size. A bathtub full of tea. A heart the size of Arizona, but not nearly so arid. Don’t wish away your cracked past, your crooked toes, your problems are papier mache puppets you made or bought because the vendor at the market was so compelling you just had to have them. You had to have him. And you did. And now you pull down the bridge between your houses, you make him call before he visits, you take a lover for granted, you take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic. Make the first bottle you consume in this place a relic. Place it on whatever altar you fashion with a knife and five cranberries. Don’t lose too much weight. Stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge. And you are not stupid. You loved a man with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand. Heart like a four-poster bed. Heart like a canvas. Heart leaking something so strong they can smell it in the street.”


Frida Kahlo to Marty McConnell (via thenocturnals)


December 18th, 2012

"Don’t hang out with people who don’t love you. Don’t try to impress people who aren’t worth it…."

“Don’t hang out with people who don’t love you. Don’t try to impress people who aren’t worth it. Don’t try to win people over who aren’t worth it. Focus on yourself, and focus on the people who are really awesome and who love you. Don’t hang out with people who make you feel like shit. Don’t spend your energy on them.”

- Beth Ditto (via loveyourchaos)
December 16th, 2012

Untitled #29


What is adulthood but learning how to split up with people?


December 15th, 2012

“No Contact” the Right Way and the Wrong Way Message boards are replete with advice for…

“No Contact” the Right Way and the Wrong Way

Message boards are replete with advice for partners in borderline relationships to go “No Contact” - effect a sudden cold silence, “change the phone number!”, “block the e-mails!”, “run away into the dark of the night”… .

The message boards are also filled with many painful, failed attempts to go NC (No Contact)… with the “No Contact-ors” repeatedly going back to the borderline partner - initiated by the non-borderline as often as by the borderline.

So why does NC fail?

Possibly because there is too much emphasis on the tactics and too little emphasis on the true objectives and priorities. Some times, non-borderlines launch into “No Contact” campaigns with only a vague understanding of what they are doing and they end up engaging in something that would be better called “the silent treatment”. The silent treatment is not good - it is often characterized by professionals as an emotional manipulation; an abusive action in and of itself.

Where is the “disconnect”?

Let’s face it - partners leave Borderline relationships because they are rejected or they need to protect themselves or protect their children from physical abuse, emotional abuse, or verbal abuse. But most departing partners still love the borderline and are often bonded to their partner in an unhealthy way - in some cases to a level that could be described as co-dependent.

If this wasn’t a significant, underlying factor, we wouldn’t even need to talk about “No Contact” here. When you leave some one you love, it’s important to really understand yourself and the unique hurdles you face.

So, what should you do?

The first thing is to determine if you are really ready to leave. It seems like a very simple point, but there needs to be a real, mature commitment that leaving is the right thing to do (assuming you have a choice) and that you are serious about it- not just testing the waters.

The second thing is to accept that when you leave a relationship (or are spurned), the most important thing for you is to get over the x-partner and move on to the next phase of your life.

Without a doubt, ending of the relationship with one that you love is heartbreaking. It is for every one. But, no matter how difficult or incomprehensible it is, it doesn’t change the realties above.

Now “No Contract” makes sense

“No Contact” is mostly about the non-borderline forcing “distance” into the relationship to help the non-borderline heal; to get the “space” needed to get over the hurt; get on with their lives.

The key elements of “No Contact” are

~to get the partner out of your day-to- day life,

~ to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,

~ to take them out of your vision of the future,

~ to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and

~ to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

These are the simple objectives of “No Contact”. You may need to remind yourself every day of what you are trying to do. It takes focus and determination to do this - at a time when you probably just want to sit down and cry. Just keep reminding yourself that it takes great strength and determination to be emotionally healthy.

So where does sudden silence, changing of the phone number, blocking the e-mails, running away into the night, come in?

These are just tactics for accomplishing the goals above; there are many others. And often, the more subtle, less “in your face” tactics work as well - even better. A more direct approach- simply saying you think your partner is unhealthy, or acting as if you don’t find them attractive any more - can cool a relationship and create a lot of emotional distance pretty quickly. You know this person as well as anyone - you know what will work; what to say that will cause them to pull back.

And herein lies the problem.

If you really don’t want to “disconnect”, if you’re hurt and timid and it’s not a high priority get healthy, you will find many reasons not to do the obvious. Or, even more common, if you are still holding out some hope, or are strugglng with uncertainty, you will likely fear the permanence of such action and purposely select something ineffective and secretly hope that it fails.

Let’s call all of this, “dubious intent.”

When the cure becomes the disease.

The problem with the oft suggested “No Contact” tactics (blocking the e-mails, and silence) is that, when coupled with “dubious intent”, they can easily be misdirected into ways to vent anger, to punish, to manipulate, to make a statement, to defend a principle, to make someone appreciate you, to try to force someone to listen to you, … to even win some one back (?!).

And these tactics will often generate a non- productive counter response with the borderline partner. Along with high emotions - the borderline partner’s fear of abandonment may be triggered and they may try harder to hold onto the relationship - or possibly they won’t be able to cope and will seek retribution.

You could, at the same time, feel very guilty for what you’ve done, and when your anger subsides, find yourself asking to be accepted back into the relationship - maybe with less self esteem than when you left.

None of this is healthy disengagement. This is only advancing a dysfunctional relationship to a higher level of dysfunctionally.

No Contact is mostly about you

If the “x” is sending you e-mail, the biggest problem is not that they are sending it - but rather that you are reading it, and/or are stressed out about it. Ignored, unread e-mail are harmless.

No Contact is about dealing with this aspect of “you”.

If you don’t have the discipline to not read their e-mail, for example, then have your e-mail program route it to the trash. Accept that you’re hurting emotionally, and use this type of “crutch” to protect yourself against yourself.

But also understand that “not reading”, the e-mail, for example, is a lot different than having the “x” receive an “undeliverable” auto-reply. The “undeliverable” auto-reply” is really a way that communicates your vulnerability or your anger or your ______ (fill in the blank). If you do this you are opening a door into your recovery process… so, ask yourself “why?”.

True Disengagement (No Contact) Works.

The key points:

1) No contact” is conceptually about disconnecting from a relationship. The name describes, more or less, the key tactic… but NC is not the goal… the goal is for you to disengage yourself from the relationship.

2) The harder it is for you to disengage, or the more you are enmeshed in the relationship, the “higher a wall” you should erect (to keep yourself out). This is the first basis you should use to decide on which tactics are appropriate.

3) Straight forward tactics are the best way to effect “No Contact”. Dramatic tactics work well too, but before using them, carefully examine your motives to be sure they are healthy and you are aimed at the right target.

4) If your partner doesn’t start to disengage and give you “space” then more forceful methods may be in order to absolutely “close of the door”… but if you have options, try to pick those that neutralize the partner - not trigger them. Look for “defusing” tactics first. This is the second basis for selecting which tactics are appropriate.

What if it is just too overwhelming

Expect that this will be too overwhelming. Leaving some one that you love, hurts. Minimizing the damage, in the long run, is what this is all about - the price for that is hurt today.

Hurt is part of your healing - it’s your greatest challenge and you must be committed to work through it - which is where we began this discussion (paragraph 6).

Be prepared to seek help. If you find yourself slipping into depression, ruminating, etc - recognize early that these are not signs that you should go back into a dysfunctional relationship, but rather signs of your own private struggle with your emotional enmeshment. It is common in these relationships.

When this happens, you may need professional help, possibly medication, to mediate the depression and the ruminating before it breaks your resolve; drives you back into an unhealthy relationship.

Whenever you are mentally impaired; chemically imbalanced; or in a state of anxiety, you will likely make bad decisions, and even feel overwhelmed by the need to make them. If you are in a depression this whole endeavor may seem insurmountable.

But it is not - it’s your emotions, distorting your reality. Find the time - spend the money - get professional help and get and keep yourself stabilized.

Leaving someone you love is difficult. There is no question about that. And, You will lkely feel insecure, uncomfortable, and empty when you are on your own… but this is just a natural unwinding of the intertwinement of two people… everyone feels this.

Disengagement. No contact. Out of sight - out of mind. It works best when you fully understand it.

~ Facing The Facts

ETA: Posting this as part of ongoing empathetic crisis thinky thoughts on my part; I realize the problematic aspects of the term “borderline” but am very interested in how to disengage from narcissists and other types of unhealthy codependent relationships—I’ve spent much of the past few years doing just that; I agree with various parts of this version of “the speech” but would never tell someone in crisis “You are doing this wrong.” It’s very hard to detoxify yourself from your own need to be around shitty people. It’s why I go to meetings.

November 24th, 2012

I’m not even going to get into it, but the reason I want…

I’m not even going to get into it, but the reason I want to believe in karma is that fantastic feeling when you see someone get what they deserve.

November 13th, 2012

11/19/11 real talk with mikki

kj: i feel like when i told you the whole jon story when we were drinking wine the other night you were kind enough to be like "kara, thats not a workaholic, thats selfish." i feel like i might need some similar honesty now. can i email you a synopsis of the insanity that just happened and you can tell me what you think?
mh: Of course! Feminist truth squad, delivered w love

Kara would tell me things and I mostly spent two months being like THAT WAS WRONG and WTF and WHO DOES THAT. The real incarceration was what happened before the actual incarceration in a way.

I am always available for real talk.